Something Is Bothering Me

 

There has been a low level, nagging hum of stress on my mind this week. I keep trying to ignore it or discount it. But it’s not going away. What we resist, persists.

Trudging through the week I have forced myself to take a look at what this is. I don’t want to admit it, but the truth is, I am not happy for my husband who has found a new girlfriend who seems to be what he has been looking for in a relationship.

We separated three years ago, and even though I’m getting used to the new reality, I am struggling this week.

My husband has been living in our vacation home since he left. We built the home togethert when our kids were very young, and spent many years there as a family. Since it has become his primary residence, it has felt less and less like my vacation home. I have been reduced to one drawer in the dresser and about 8 hangers in the closet. I have come across health and beauty aids in the bathroom that don’t belong to me. I have been aware of dinner parties hosted by my husband and his girlfriend in my vacation home. I think this Memorial Day Holiday has gotten me particularly stirred up.

I have observed my husband whom I have known for almost 40 years start to build some kind of life with a woman he met last December. They see each other often, even though they live 75 miles from each other. He seems to want to do so many things with her that he did not want to do with me when we were together, such as having sex, going out to dinner, entertaining guests, going on trips, dancing at a wedding. I guess he has figured out what women want and is applying himself to this new relationship. It pisses me off.

It isn’t that I actually want to be with my husband. It just feels weird to watch him be the man I hoped he would be for someone else.